It seems like it has been a long time since I have written. Nina and I have
been doing very well. Over the past several months we have grown to know our
similarities and our differences. We really like each other and there is a
sameness about us that is really uncanny.
To update a bit, I first spoke with Nina on November 11, 1996. I visited
with her and her husband and son in December. They have met with my dad
and step mom, Nina (yes! amazingly enough, they have the same name!) but
have yet to meet with my mom. My grandson was gorgeous and the happiest two
year old I had ever seen.
Nina and I each have a lot of words to put to print but we only want to write when
it is jumping off our fingers and we are sure that we are speaking from the whole truth
and not some assemblance of what we call "the denial zone."
For me, tonight is one of those times. This will be the short version.
I will add more later. So many feelings are coming up and so many feelings are
being put to rest.
I just received the perfect quote for this page via e-mail. Amazing how that magic
works in my life each time I am taking my next step.
A few days ago, I was speaking with my friend Robert. We were talking
about Nina and he asked me if I had told Bob about her yet. (Robert just
found out a few months ago that the father he had called dad for 40 years
was not his biological father so, these days, Robert is especially keen on
knowing and speaking the truth.)
I told Robert that I had not told Bob and I really felt Robert’s feelings
when he told me that I was being unfair to Bob. He said that he would want
to know if he had a daughter out there somewhere and that Bob would probably
feel the same. These were words that I had been needing to hear. I felt
the emotion in Robert’s voice and I knew he was right. Robert also said
that Bob, somewhere in his psyche, already knew anyway and I could feel the
metaphysical truth in that also.
That same day, Nina asked me to watch two television talk shows about
reunions. She was unable to watch them because she would be at work.
I watched the end of one of the shows and it featured birth fathers reunited
with children that they had been unaware of until being contacted by the
show’s producer. I was brought to tears at the end of the show when the
last father put a necklace on his newly recognized daughter, told her that
she had a brother and a sister and said "I love you" to this woman who just
moments before had been introduced to him as his daughter.
The wheels had been greased...
Tonight, Nina and I were having one of our long phone conversations, actually
the third today, when I brought up Robert’s comments. We batted the idea of
telling Bob back and forth as we had so many times over the past 9 months since
our reunion. God, how amazing; it took me 9 months to birth this too...actually
that’s incorrect...it took 31 years, 2 months and 19 days...
Anyway, we were discussing and feeling and probing and feeling some more and
we delved deeply into the reasons for having not told Bob 31 years ago and
the reasons for not telling him ever since. All of my "not good enough stuff"
was surfacing again. It was very clear that, at this time, Nina had no charge on
him knowing, one way or the other. This was the first time that I was absolutely
clear that this was my decision to make, my "monster" to face, and not hers.
For the past 9 months, I had looped her in on my decision of whether to tell
him or not. She had continually told me to do what was best for me. I had
thought I could protect us both, as well as Bob and his family by not speaking.
I hadn't wanted to be the cause of any more chaos, discomfort or pain. I hadn't wanted
to be judged anymore or my life and decisions dissected. I hadn't wanted to be wrong.
Whatever was fixed and right before, had shifted. Everything was different. I went into one
of those "unknown" spaces and came out choked up and holding back the tears. With my
daughter’s love and support, I went into that abyss and came out ready to deal with
whatever might occur. I was ready to tell Bob.
Telling my father, 30 years later, that he was a grandfather and great grandfather
had been one of the most healing and liberating experience of my life. I finally
realized that facing the fear of telling Bob would do exactly the same thing and
just like with my dad, it wasn’t about Bob’s judgments, it was about mine.
Nina said, "everything that you didn’t want to feel 31 years ago is up again now
to be felt." Not only was she right, she was giving me the lesson that I so often
teach...what we resist, persists and persists and persists until we finally feel
it fully, bring it home and embrace it all.
The fear was losing it's grip on me. After all, what could Bob say to chastise me?
What judgment could he possibly have about me that I hadn’t clobbered myself with at
least 100 times before? Reject Nina? What would that matter? She had felt rejection
for over 30 years and not by Bob but by me.
This would be a cake walk. I am 50 years old. Do I really need to be afraid
of being called a slut at this age!? I didn't have to prove anything to him.
It didn't matter if he believed me or not. None of that mattered anymore.
I would not arrange to fly to the mainland for a meeting like Nina and I had thought so
many times before. I would not write a long letter of explanation hoping that I would
say it all just perfectly enough that his wife would not be hurt. I would not try to
cushion, cajole or caretake anyone’s feelings. I would simply tell the truth in one short
phone call. In that moment, I knew that was the right thing to do.
All of the fears of the past were dissolving. I was no longer invested in
controlling Bob’s reaction. I was no longer invested in any of it. I had
faced my fear and I was free. I was free before I ever made that call...thank God,
after 31 years, I was finally free.
Friday night, August 22, 1997, 10:15 p.m., Pacific Daylight Time...I took a deep breath
and dialed. He was home...
It's finally done...
Guilt is never a rational thing;
it distorts all faculties of the human mind,
it perverts them,
it leaves a person no longer in the free use of their reason,
it puts them in confusion.
The story unfolds...
 Back |
 Reunions Index |
 Next |
 To Vicky.com |
 |
Copyright © 1997-2003 Vicky.com |